Why Victims Stay...
It was challenging writing this month's article and it resulted in procrastination until the end of the month.
The delay was due to one of the reasons women stay in abusive relationships. There is a need to speak responsibly in every area. But, as a woman of faith, it is even more important to speak prudently when religion is discussed regarding domestic violence.
Hear are a few of the reasons women (and men) stay in abusive relationships:
G. Disabled/Physical or Mental Challenges
Self-esteem and child abuse issues arise when victims remain in abusive relationships. A mother is unable to provide the security children need while developing in a home fraught with domestic violence. Further, because abusers become progressively violent, children are in danger where domestic violence occurs in the home. It is difficult for children to build healthy relationships, study lessons for school, speak without walking on eggshells, or grow up without shame or self-incrimination. To foster abuse and harbor an abuser is child abuse.
Staying with someone because one believes she will never find anyone else or no one else will want her is a very undesirable reason to remain in an abusive relationship. Instead, a woman should seek to be happy with herself first. Then, become the person she believes is worthy of someone else. Staying with an abusive person will siphon away the beauty a person was created to display as designed by the Almighty. A person must believe she deserves better before “better” will become part of her life.
It is important to remember that each person must operate at her level of faith and conviction. Yes, the Bible states in I Corinthian 7:13, “And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away.” But, the New Testament also says in Romans 12:18, “ If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.“ Further, Scripture also states in I Timothy 5:8 , “But if any provide not for his own, and especially for those of his own house, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever. “ Additionally, one should take special note that the Bible teaches, “We also know that the law is not made for those who do what is right. It is made for those who are against the law and refuse to follow it. The law is for sinners who are against God and all that is pleasing to him. It is for those who have no interest in spiritual things and for those who kill their fathers or mothers or anyone else.” (I Timothy 1:9)
So, what do you do when a man hits you, kicks you, spits on you? The Bible is clear, he is lawless. What about a man who does not provide for his family? The Bible is clear – that man has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever (also interpreted “infidel”). The law is for the lawless. You call the police. The law applies to the lawless.
Books, such as “Conscious Loving,” assist couples if a member wants to change his or her behavior. The abusive person must be willing to change and must take steps to change. Unfortunately, an abuser is typically narcissistic and will use counseling and spiritual interventions to gain more power and control over the victim.
There are many resources across the nation to assist victims with rectifying a domestic violence situation. First, laws have changed dramatically to ensure the safety of the abused. Also, shelters are available for women so that while charges are filed and child support is ordered, a woman can remain safe and financially secure until the woman can return to her home. Legal aid is available to assist with filing annulments, legal separations, and divorces. Some attorneys will assist you on time pay. A woman could set up monthly payments with an attorney to ensure that she can afford the separation or divorce. Further, a woman should seek assistance from a financial planner. Women often take care of other people until their late fifties, then, in their middle age, they start to think of their own financial well-being. Women need to plan their financial future in their twenties and thirties.
Please seek assistance from one of the following hotlines if you are being physically, emotionally, and/or economically abused. There is help. The door knob appears when you search for the door of opportunity!
Next month, we will examine the mind of abusers.
In the interim, Seek Peace!!
National Organizations
(Adapted from: http://feminist.org/911/crisis.html)
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Staffed 24 hours a day by trained counselors who can provide crisis assistance and information about shelters, legal advocacy, health care centers, and counseling.
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TDD)
Family Violence Prevention Fund
383 Rhode Island Street, Suite 304
San Francisco, CA 94103-5133
Phone: 415-252-8900
TTY:800-595-4889
FAX: 415-252-8991
E-mail: info@endabuse.org
Washington, DC Office
1101 14th Street, NW #300
Washington DC 11005
Phone: 202-682-1212
Fax: 202-682-4662
Boston Office
67 Newbury Street, Mezzanine Level
Boston, MA 02116
Phone: 617-262-5900
Fax:617-262-5901
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Main Office:1120
Lincon Street
Suite 1603
Denver, CO 80203
Phone: 303 839 1852
TTY: (303) 839-8459
Fax: (303) 831-9251
E-mail: [email protected]
Public Policy Office
1633 Q Street NW, Suite 210
Washington, DC 11009
Phone: (202) 745-1211
TTY: (202) 745-2042
Fax: (202) 745-0088
E-mail: [email protected]
National Battered Women's Law Project
275 7th Avenue, Suite 1206
New York, NY 10001
Phone: 212-741-9480
FAX: 212-741-6438
Safe Horizons
2 Lafayette Street, 3rd Floor
New York, NY 10007
Crime Victims HOTLINE: 800-621-4673
Rape and Sexual Assult & Incest HOTLINE: 212-227-3000
TYY (for all HOTLINES) 866-604-5350
Fax:212-577-3897
E-mail: [email protected]
Domestic Violence Shelter Tour
2 Lafayette Street 3rd Floor
New York, NY 10007
Phone: 212-577-7700
Fax: 212-385-0331
24-hour hotline: 800-621-HOPE (4673)
National Resource Center on Domestic Violence
Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence
6400 Flank Drive, Suite 1300
Harrisburg, PA 17112
Phone: 800-537-2238
Fax: 717-545-9456
Legal Office:
Phone: 717-545-6400
TOLL FREE: 800-932-4632
TTY:800-533-2508
Fax: 717-671-5542
National Resourse Center on Domestic Violence
Phone: 800-537-2238
TTY:888-Rx-ABUSE; 800- 595 -4889
Fax: 717-545-9456
Health Resource Center on Domestic Violence
Family Violence Prevention Fund
383 Rhode Island Street, Suite 304
San Francisco, CA 94103-5133
Phone: 800-313-1310
FAX: 415-252-8991
Battered Women's Justice Project
Minnesota Program Development, Inc
1801 Nicollet Ave, Suite 102
Minneapolis, MN 55403
Phone: 800-903-0111, ext.1
Phone: 612-824-8768
Fax: 612-824-8965
Resource Center on Domestic Violence, Child Protection, and Custody
NCJFCJ
P.O. Box 8970
Reno, NV 89507
Office: 775-784-6012
Phone: 800-527-3223
Fax: 775-784-6628
Email: [email protected]
They are only a resource center for professionals and agencies.
Battered Women's Justice Project
c/o National Clearinghouse for the Defense of Battered Women
125 South 9th Street, Suite 302
Philadelphia, PA 19107
TOLL-FREE: 800-903-0111 ext. 3
Phone: 215-351-0010
FAX: 215-351-0779
National Clearinghouse is a national resource and advocacy center providing assistance to women defendants, their defense attorneys, and other members of their defense teams in an effort to insure justice for battered women charged with crimes.
National Clearinghouse on Marital and Date Rape
2325 Oak Street
Berkeley, CA 94708
Phone: 510-524-1582
Faith Trust Institute
(Formerly Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence)
2400 N. 45th Street #10
Seattle , WA 98103
Phone: 206-634-1903, ext. 10
Fax: 206-634-0115
Email: [email protected]
National Network to End Domestic Violence
1101 S Street NW, Suite 400
Washington, DC 11009
Phone: 202-543-5566
HOTLINE:800-799-SAFE (7233)
TTY: 800-787-3224
FAX: 202-543-5626
Other Helpful Sites: Womenspace National Network to End Violence Against Immigrant Women
1212 Stuyvesant Ave.
Trenton, NJ 08618
Phone: 609-394-0136
24 Hour Mercer County Hotline: 609-394-9000
Fax:609-396-1093
Email: [email protected]
Counselling&Support Services
1860 Brunswick Ave.
Lawrenceville, NJ 086448
Phone: 609-394-2532
It was challenging writing this month's article and it resulted in procrastination until the end of the month.
The delay was due to one of the reasons women stay in abusive relationships. There is a need to speak responsibly in every area. But, as a woman of faith, it is even more important to speak prudently when religion is discussed regarding domestic violence.
Hear are a few of the reasons women (and men) stay in abusive relationships:
- Fear
- Finances – Although many women work, debt is a key factor in many women staying in abusive relationships. When there is a steady income, it is hard to estimate what child support or alimony might be ordered if the woman were to separate from the spouse/mate.
- Loneliness – The woman may believe that she may not find another person to love her or want to be with her. Further, the woman may believe that no one will want to be a father to step-children if she separates while she is pregnant or has children.
- Injury – The woman many not believe that she can get away safely.
- Social Stigma – The woman may fear embarrassment of getting divorced.
- Single Parenting – The woman may believe a man must be present to raise children or feel inadequate to parent one or more children alone.
- Homelessness/Residence – A woman may fear she will be homeless if she leaves the home with the spouse/mate.
- Loss of Position – A woman may lose a position at church, work, or at another organization where she might be expected to be married.
- Family Expectations – A woman may be from an abusive home and she might fear that her family will tell her she is just complaining unnecessarily.
- Ignorance – The victim may be culturally unaware of abuse. In some cultures, it is not considered abuse to physically or emotionally abuse a woman. Other forms of abuse, such as female circumcision, may also be considered as part of a culture.
- Cycle of Domestic Abuse – Some victims may not realize that they are being abused because they may have only had abusive relationships in the past or grown up in an abusive home.
- Mis-Education – The victim may be misinformed about identifying domestic abuse. Because the victim doesn't understand the tactics used, the victim may blame herself/himself for the behavior of the abuser.
- Religion
- Because abusers can be charming, the spiritual leader may not believe the woman or man is being abused
- Because the spiritual leader does not want to recommend a divorce, information about taking action against an abuser may not be discussed with a victim
- A spiritual leader may tell the woman or man that they are being selfish or lack faith that God is working on the situation
- The spiritual leader may tell the victim that they are being unforgiving
- The church might be the last place of refuge for a victim and being ostracized or penalized by the church might be too overwhelming for a victim
- The victim has been in the situation long enough to become co-dependent (a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition)
G. Disabled/Physical or Mental Challenges
- A person who has a disability may not be able to speak out or find anyone to help them. They may not know about agencies established to meet their needs when a family member loved one does not exist to provide assistance.
Self-esteem and child abuse issues arise when victims remain in abusive relationships. A mother is unable to provide the security children need while developing in a home fraught with domestic violence. Further, because abusers become progressively violent, children are in danger where domestic violence occurs in the home. It is difficult for children to build healthy relationships, study lessons for school, speak without walking on eggshells, or grow up without shame or self-incrimination. To foster abuse and harbor an abuser is child abuse.
Staying with someone because one believes she will never find anyone else or no one else will want her is a very undesirable reason to remain in an abusive relationship. Instead, a woman should seek to be happy with herself first. Then, become the person she believes is worthy of someone else. Staying with an abusive person will siphon away the beauty a person was created to display as designed by the Almighty. A person must believe she deserves better before “better” will become part of her life.
It is important to remember that each person must operate at her level of faith and conviction. Yes, the Bible states in I Corinthian 7:13, “And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away.” But, the New Testament also says in Romans 12:18, “ If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.“ Further, Scripture also states in I Timothy 5:8 , “But if any provide not for his own, and especially for those of his own house, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever. “ Additionally, one should take special note that the Bible teaches, “We also know that the law is not made for those who do what is right. It is made for those who are against the law and refuse to follow it. The law is for sinners who are against God and all that is pleasing to him. It is for those who have no interest in spiritual things and for those who kill their fathers or mothers or anyone else.” (I Timothy 1:9)
So, what do you do when a man hits you, kicks you, spits on you? The Bible is clear, he is lawless. What about a man who does not provide for his family? The Bible is clear – that man has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever (also interpreted “infidel”). The law is for the lawless. You call the police. The law applies to the lawless.
Books, such as “Conscious Loving,” assist couples if a member wants to change his or her behavior. The abusive person must be willing to change and must take steps to change. Unfortunately, an abuser is typically narcissistic and will use counseling and spiritual interventions to gain more power and control over the victim.
There are many resources across the nation to assist victims with rectifying a domestic violence situation. First, laws have changed dramatically to ensure the safety of the abused. Also, shelters are available for women so that while charges are filed and child support is ordered, a woman can remain safe and financially secure until the woman can return to her home. Legal aid is available to assist with filing annulments, legal separations, and divorces. Some attorneys will assist you on time pay. A woman could set up monthly payments with an attorney to ensure that she can afford the separation or divorce. Further, a woman should seek assistance from a financial planner. Women often take care of other people until their late fifties, then, in their middle age, they start to think of their own financial well-being. Women need to plan their financial future in their twenties and thirties.
Please seek assistance from one of the following hotlines if you are being physically, emotionally, and/or economically abused. There is help. The door knob appears when you search for the door of opportunity!
Next month, we will examine the mind of abusers.
In the interim, Seek Peace!!
National Organizations
(Adapted from: http://feminist.org/911/crisis.html)
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Staffed 24 hours a day by trained counselors who can provide crisis assistance and information about shelters, legal advocacy, health care centers, and counseling.
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TDD)
Family Violence Prevention Fund
383 Rhode Island Street, Suite 304
San Francisco, CA 94103-5133
Phone: 415-252-8900
TTY:800-595-4889
FAX: 415-252-8991
E-mail: info@endabuse.org
Washington, DC Office
1101 14th Street, NW #300
Washington DC 11005
Phone: 202-682-1212
Fax: 202-682-4662
Boston Office
67 Newbury Street, Mezzanine Level
Boston, MA 02116
Phone: 617-262-5900
Fax:617-262-5901
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Main Office:1120
Lincon Street
Suite 1603
Denver, CO 80203
Phone: 303 839 1852
TTY: (303) 839-8459
Fax: (303) 831-9251
E-mail: [email protected]
Public Policy Office
1633 Q Street NW, Suite 210
Washington, DC 11009
Phone: (202) 745-1211
TTY: (202) 745-2042
Fax: (202) 745-0088
E-mail: [email protected]
National Battered Women's Law Project
275 7th Avenue, Suite 1206
New York, NY 10001
Phone: 212-741-9480
FAX: 212-741-6438
Safe Horizons
2 Lafayette Street, 3rd Floor
New York, NY 10007
Crime Victims HOTLINE: 800-621-4673
Rape and Sexual Assult & Incest HOTLINE: 212-227-3000
TYY (for all HOTLINES) 866-604-5350
Fax:212-577-3897
E-mail: [email protected]
Domestic Violence Shelter Tour
2 Lafayette Street 3rd Floor
New York, NY 10007
Phone: 212-577-7700
Fax: 212-385-0331
24-hour hotline: 800-621-HOPE (4673)
National Resource Center on Domestic Violence
Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence
6400 Flank Drive, Suite 1300
Harrisburg, PA 17112
Phone: 800-537-2238
Fax: 717-545-9456
Legal Office:
Phone: 717-545-6400
TOLL FREE: 800-932-4632
TTY:800-533-2508
Fax: 717-671-5542
National Resourse Center on Domestic Violence
Phone: 800-537-2238
TTY:888-Rx-ABUSE; 800- 595 -4889
Fax: 717-545-9456
Health Resource Center on Domestic Violence
Family Violence Prevention Fund
383 Rhode Island Street, Suite 304
San Francisco, CA 94103-5133
Phone: 800-313-1310
FAX: 415-252-8991
Battered Women's Justice Project
Minnesota Program Development, Inc
1801 Nicollet Ave, Suite 102
Minneapolis, MN 55403
Phone: 800-903-0111, ext.1
Phone: 612-824-8768
Fax: 612-824-8965
Resource Center on Domestic Violence, Child Protection, and Custody
NCJFCJ
P.O. Box 8970
Reno, NV 89507
Office: 775-784-6012
Phone: 800-527-3223
Fax: 775-784-6628
Email: [email protected]
They are only a resource center for professionals and agencies.
Battered Women's Justice Project
c/o National Clearinghouse for the Defense of Battered Women
125 South 9th Street, Suite 302
Philadelphia, PA 19107
TOLL-FREE: 800-903-0111 ext. 3
Phone: 215-351-0010
FAX: 215-351-0779
National Clearinghouse is a national resource and advocacy center providing assistance to women defendants, their defense attorneys, and other members of their defense teams in an effort to insure justice for battered women charged with crimes.
National Clearinghouse on Marital and Date Rape
2325 Oak Street
Berkeley, CA 94708
Phone: 510-524-1582
Faith Trust Institute
(Formerly Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence)
2400 N. 45th Street #10
Seattle , WA 98103
Phone: 206-634-1903, ext. 10
Fax: 206-634-0115
Email: [email protected]
National Network to End Domestic Violence
1101 S Street NW, Suite 400
Washington, DC 11009
Phone: 202-543-5566
HOTLINE:800-799-SAFE (7233)
TTY: 800-787-3224
FAX: 202-543-5626
Other Helpful Sites: Womenspace National Network to End Violence Against Immigrant Women
1212 Stuyvesant Ave.
Trenton, NJ 08618
Phone: 609-394-0136
24 Hour Mercer County Hotline: 609-394-9000
Fax:609-396-1093
Email: [email protected]
Counselling&Support Services
1860 Brunswick Ave.
Lawrenceville, NJ 086448
Phone: 609-394-2532